I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
