Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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