in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
