I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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