12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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