Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
