I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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