thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
