So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
there is glitter all over my balls
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