Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
