i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
