dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she told me i tasted like america
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
40s are totally the cure
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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