Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
