i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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