I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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