He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
