you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
