My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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