i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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