I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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