I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
