oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
