I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
