I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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