I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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