Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
