What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
