The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
