i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
