I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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