I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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