UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
