im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
