Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
