i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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