I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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