Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
