i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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