Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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