Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
