go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
