The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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