Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
