Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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