I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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