I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
