i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
