Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
