How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize