so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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