I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
