my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
