Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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