His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
