At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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