so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
