At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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