My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
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