last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
